Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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