Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
