I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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