I will die if light touches me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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