he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
