he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sex in a hospital.. check
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
