i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Your cock deserves a montage
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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