I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
