mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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