Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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