She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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