saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
