You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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