Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You took a bar mat shot.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
