Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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