I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
