Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
