We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
