you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
