I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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