When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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