Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
