I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
