i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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