Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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