The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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