He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i now understand why vodka
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
