Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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