it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
