we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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