I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
