I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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