friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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