She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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