I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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