Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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