Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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