Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
