I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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