I molested 6 butterflies tonight
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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