Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
