3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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