Yo dont text me then not text me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
