Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
