Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
