Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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