I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
