I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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