I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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