so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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